52 books - year one

Book 16 of 52

Chasing Harry Winston, by Lauren Weisberger

OK, so I fell waaaayyy short of my goal this year of reading 52 books. But I have absolutely no doubt that I read - and finished - at least twice as many books this year as last. So I'm starting over, and I'll keep trying until I actually get there. But for 2009 (starting a month early, again) I'm going for a more reasonable 50 books (I like those nice round numbers).

Chasing Harry Winston was panned by most of the reviewers on Amazon but luckily I didn't read any of them until just now. I thought it was a delightful chick lit romp, perfect for my mini-vacation over Thanksgiving.

Dinner at the Homesick Restaurant

Book 15 of 52

Dinner at the Homesick Restaurant, by Anne Tyler

I love Anne Tyler. Something about her characters... so rich, so sad, so ordinary.

Let's Spend the Night Together

Book 14 of 52

Let's Spend the Night Together: Backstage secrets of rock muses and supergroupies, by Pamela Des Barres

I love PDB's "I'm with the Band." I was hopeful that this would be more of the same. I was disappointed. Despite her perky commentary, PDB couldn't make some of these "dolls" interesting. I don't really want to know that "Sweet, sweet Connie" is still "doing her act" in Little Rock. Ick.

I've been laughing all day about this

Yet another reason to be grateful for my ever lovin' hubby. And to be glad I'm no longer 25...

New 'do

I've been thinking about changing my hair for awhile now, and finally took the plunge today.



Looks a little Selma Blair'ish, doesn't it?

Such a Pretty Fat

Book 13 of 52

Such a Pretty Fat or Why Pie is not the Answer, by Jen Lancaster

I haven't read Jen's previous two memoirs, but I cracked up when I read the cover of this one "One narcissist's quest to discover if her life makes her ass look big." Jen is most definitely a narcissist, but she is very very funny, and she goes about changing her life and ends up with a slightly smaller ass. Her husband Fletch has got the requisite sense of humor for a man whose wife tells the world about the "manscaping" debris he leaves on the bathroom floor.

Comeback calendar - week 2

This week's area of focus is weightloss/physical fitness. Sigh. The bane of my existence. In trying to come up with a new way to address this old problem, a few key ideas occurred to me. So for my comeback, I will strive to:

a. get sufficient sleep each night (this requires not only great discipline to go to bed early, but the cooperation of my offspring to stay quietly asleep all night)

b. walk 30-60 min daily (my work is a lovely 25 min walk from home)

c. keep a food diary (trivia: my hot single friend was the PR genius behind this story)

Anyone care to join me?

Goodnight Nobody

Book 12 of 52

Goodnight Nobody, by Jennifer Weiner

I've been on a bit of a chick lit roll lately. Even though I have another Jennifer Weiner book on my dresser, I went for this one first. I almost didn't buy it, because it is a murder mystery and that's not my thing. But I loved this book! It was smart and funny and engaging, and true to the cover "begs to be read in one sitting." At the end the author mentions some other chick lit mystery authors, and I may check them out as well.

Everyone Worth Knowing

Book 11 of 52

Everyone Worth Knowing, by Lauren Weisberger

This little chick lit confection, by the author of The Devil Wears Prada, was fun to read. Although it seemed a bit improbable to have the main character be a closet romance novel enthusiast, and the ending was a bit of a let-down, it was fun and easy nonetheless, and I'm looking forward to checking out her latest book "Chasing Harry Winston."

This is what 43 looks like

Today is my birthday, and my sister is staging a Comeback Calendar for all of us ladies who have misplaced our best look. The first week is "The big picture" so I thought I would just post one of myself. You can call this the "before" shot. This is me, dressed for work, about two weeks ago. Looking at this picture I see a couple of things right off the bat: 1. my jackets need to be shorter, and 2. my hair is too square.

And for a close up of what I normally look like on my day off, one from today (and isn't that little fella cute?). It was a great day... slept in, had my very first mani-pedi, lunch with hubby, then a matinée showing of Vicki Cristina Barcelona. We topped off the evening with a lovely family dinner out, including cake and ice cream.

Staging your Comeback

Book 10 of 52

Staging your Comeback: a complete beauty revival for women over 45, by Christopher Hopkins

OK, I'm not yet 45. But this is my sister's new favorite so I had to check it out. What I learned:

1. Never wear dark top with light pants (for my body type)
2. I only need one or two colors of eyeshadow (which is good because I always come home with the same few shades anyway)
3. I should biff my turtlenecks.

My sister is on a campaign to get me to return to my (childhood) natural haircolor. She even roped in the author of this book to bolster her claim that losing the warmth of my current base color and ditching the highlights will make me look more dramatic and younger. I'm thinking about it.

For fun, here are two photos showing the difference:

My last known "natural hair color." I think the suggestion is to cover the grey with the dark.


My current hair color (warm brown with ash gold highlights).


Something in between...

Eat, Pray, Love

Book 9 of 52

Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

I was a bit skeptical, due to the hype, but my SIL insisted it was a 'must read.' I thoroughly enjoyed Liz's romp through the three I's (Italy, India, Indonesia) and I recognized the character even if I didn't identify with her all that much. We all have *that friend.* The story-book ending was a bit much, I thought, which perhaps is why the tale is so popular. Chicks love a happy ending.

Lord John and the Hand of Devils

Book 8 of 52

Lord John and the Hand of Devils, by Diana Gabaldan

I actually finished this trio of stories months ago. Another fine installment in the Lord John series. My favorite gay British soldier.

Quirky (or not)

I’ve been tagged by my sister. Here’s what I’m supposed to do:

* Link the person who tagged you - check.
* Mention the rules in your blog - check.
* Tell about six unspectacular quirks of your’s - see below.
* Tag a new set of six following bloggers by linking them:

I don't know six bloggers! If anyone who reads this has a blog, consider yourself tagged. Or feel free to leave your list in the comments.

Six unspectacular quirks o’ mine:

1. I cannot sew. At all. Not even a button.

2. My husband says I chew chocolate chips like I'm grinding gravel.

3. I am confident speaking in front of a group unless I have doubts about my knowledge of the subject, in which case a full-blown panic attack is a distinct possibility.

4. I cannot help but smile at babies (and their parents) but always secretly wonder if they are being breastfed.

5. I recently found a performance evaluation from a job I had in 1991. My "area for improvement" was the same as it is now (my straightforward communication style can be seen by others as being 'curt').

6. I hold my breath when I'm washing my hair.

The Beck Diet Solution

Book 7 of 52

The Beck Diet Solution, by Judith Beck

Judith Beck is a nationally renowned cognitive behavioral therapist (her dad invented it). She applies CBT techniques to dieting, addressing the thoughts that occur before we eat and how our thoughts influence what we do and how we feel about it. I learned some cognitive behavioral techniques a few years ago when addressing my panic attacks, so the ideas were familiar. Her techniques can be used in conjunction with any diet, and she recommends that you choose two (a plan A and a plan B).

Recommended for those who struggle with their weight.

It's all too much

Book 6 of 52

It's All Too Much: An easy plan for living a richer life with less stuff
by Peter Walsh

I actually finished this about a month ago, but my time has been occupied with co-chairing my son's school auction (success!). This book was recommended by my sister, and it proved to be a great motivator. I took a stab at clearing the clutter from my bedroom (need to go back for round 2) and am ready to tackle more. Since we are unsure whether we will be staying in this house, there is no time like the present to clear the clutter.

Recommended for anyone who has felt overwhelmed by their "stuff."

Pictures from the party

Nothing like a balloon fight to cheer everyone up!




Flanked by her current favorites, Charlie and Josephine.



The party continues with free dinner and a sundae at Red Robin.

Happy Birthday, Little Beans

My baby turned three yesterday. She had a lovely two day celebration, and there are still more presents to open. Yesterday started with presents in the morning, then a party at school featuring mom-made muffins, home for pizza and Nemo. Today 10 of her friends came over to celebrate. The party reminded me of the old "Thursday morning playgroup" get togethers we used to have when Sam was little. I got to meet all her school chums and their parents. Many of the kids were attending their first real birthday party. It was a lot of fun for everyone. No tantrums, all the parents were nice and sociable, Athena played nice -- all good.

We've been talking a lot lately about the day she came out of mommy's tummy (Sam said when he came out he was thinking he wished he was still swimming around in there -- I'm sure he's right). Here is my recollection of it at the time.

The Skinny

Book 5 of 52

The Skinny: How to fit into your little black dress forever, by Melissa Clark & Robin Aronson

These ladies have a fresh voice on an old topic - how to eat fewer calories without going insane. Their basic premise is that every slender woman restricts what she eats, whether she realizes (or admits) it or not. That cuts right to the feelings of unfairness that those of who struggle with our weight feel when we see a skinny person eating (ice cream, potato chips, french fries, whatever). They talk about "Happy Skinny" which means enjoying your food AND enjoying your body. They emphasize eating what you want, not eating what you don't want, favoring fruits and veggies, and balancing your meals throughout the day.

These are all common sense notions that are far from common. Yet, it makes perfect sense that skinny people would eat this way. I watch my own friends who have maintained a slender figure. If they have a donut for breakfast, they don't have ice cream at lunch and cookies after dinner. They fill up on the things they do like, and don't bother with the things they don't like. They've learned to be satisfied with smaller portions, which seem "normal" to them. They leave food on the plate.

The last 100 pages are full of recipes, menu suggestions, and a basic glossary. Some interesting combinations in the recipes (all heavily focused on fruits and veggies), and none too difficult.

They even have a website (of course) and blog www.theskinnythebook.com. The tip that got me to order the book (from the library, although I might end up buying it):

"Food is everywhere now. When you don’t know what you want, go with the freshest thing around. The fruit, the steamed green beans, the salad. It may sound less than exciting, but there’s always another more exciting meal around the corner!"

Lord John and the Brotherhood of the Blade

Book 4/52

Lord John and the Brotherhood of the Blade, by Diana Gabaldon

I adore Diana Gabaldon. She wrote (is writing, it's not done yet) the Outlander series about a time traveling American woman from the 60's and her Scottish husband from the mid 1700's. But the books only come out every 3 years or so, so it is a long time between. Lord John is a recurring character in the Outlander series, and Ms. Gabaldon has given him a rich story with her side series.

I read Lord John and the Private Matter some years ago, and thoroughly enjoyed getting to know this honorable gay British soldier. The story continues in Brotherhood of the Blade, adding a richness to Lord John's character that perfectly complements the other series. If you are a Diana Gabaldon fan, I highly recommend this book (start with The Private Matter). And yes, Jamie makes an appearance in this one too.

Thanks so SIL Melissa, I have the next book in the Lord John series to look forward to.

The Book of Vice

Book 3 of 52

The Book of Vice: Very Naughty Things (and how to do them), by Peter Sagal

First, it's not what you think. Second, he doesn't really tell you.

This book takes an outsider's look in to the worlds of swinging, eating, strip clubs, lying, gambling, consumption, and pornography. The 30-second recap:

Swinging: even a smörgåsbord can get boring eventually
Eating: with too much science and "art" food can easily overwhelm
Strip clubs: lonely (for men at female clubs), bonding (for women at male clubs)
Lying: the best chapter (IMO), good liars believe they are telling the (carefully worded) truth
Gambling: too much time on "why" especially the "why" of high stakes games; no new info here
Consumption: best chapter subhead: How to keep up with the Joneses when the Joneses are Insane.
Pornography: if your involvement extends beyond viewing, you'll never live it down

A quick read, a few laugh out loud moments, but the author seemed to be looking for stories that support his hypothesis, rather than drawing any surprising or innovative conclusions.

The Measure of a Man

Book 2 of 52

The Measure of a Man: a spiritual autobiography, by Sidney Poitier

I found this paperback at a used book store that my parents took us to on the Oregon Coast, a place that reminded me of Powell's in it's rambling enormity. Guess Who's Coming to Dinner is one of my all-time favorite movies, and the book jacket looked interesting. Having an "Oprah's Book Club" insignia added a certain cache, but also a note of caution.

The book was mildly interesting, at times tediously repetitive, but overall "not bad." Since part of my goal in reading so many books is to branch out a bit, go ahead and plow through difficult books, and expand my reading repertoire, this fit the bill. When the author finally got around to his definition of God (on page 196) it reflected nearly exactly my own:

"I simply believe that there's a very organic, immeasurable consciousness of which we're a part. I believe that this consciousness is a force so powerful that I'm incapable of comprehending its power through the puny instrument of my human mind. And yet I believe that this consciousness is so unimaginable calibrated in its sensitivity that not one leaf falls in the deepest of forests on the darkest of nights unnoticed."

He goes on, but you get the point. Which pretty much sums up most of the book.

52 books

Inspired by pal Dana's commitment two years ago, I have decided to read 52 books in the next 12 months. Rather than wait for January, I started December 1. Since I should have more slack time with my extra days off for the holidays, I figured I could get a jump start.

First up: Dear Catastrophe Waitress by Brendan Halpin

I read a review of this novel in a UUA magazine; one of the main characters is Unitarian and his faith plays a role in the story. I enjoyed the book, and am interested to see what else he has written. There were definitely some holes in the character development, but it was a nice light read. Sort of chick lit but including the guy's perspective. Anyone who has dated a musician (who hasn't?) and had a song written about them (who hasn't?), may find this book especially amusing.

Wow, that's a really cool "angry face"

Athena is quite impressed with her cousin Collin.

Just call me McLovin'

Chicks dig the Sam.

Today at Y-care, one of the girls Sam talks about came up and asked me if she could have a playdate with Sam. I said sure. Then his real girlfriend said she wanted a playdate. I said sure. The teacher tells me that Sam and Maddie-Jo have been playing together all day (well, at least for the two hours of Y-care; she's not in his class).

I know Maddie-Jo is the real girlfriend because on the way home Sam tells me: "Maddie-Jo likes to play StarWars with me. We love each other but we're not going to get married."

"Oh, really? Whose idea was that?"

"Hers."

Chicks dig the Sam.

Of sisters

Whilst nursing Athena tonight...

Me, nuzzling her: "Sweet baby. Are you my sweet baby?"
She shakes her head, no.
Me, puzzled: "You're not my sweet baby?"
Athena:"No, I'm your big sister."

ps -- Happy Birthday to my *actual* big sister.

The art of friend-making

I was talking to the guy who "sculpts" my brows yesterday, about making friends. He has had a hard time meeting people here in PDX, and just recently has been able to make some connections. I told him the hard thing about reaching out to people is knowing them well enough to know what they might be interested in doing with you. With moms it is even harder, as they have to weigh your invitation against spending time with their family, potentially getting a sitter, etc. Which makes the casual "let's go for drinks" seem like almost too much work.

I have met a couple of women since moving here that I seem to "click" with, but haven't taken that next step of really reaching out to them. I had a nice surprise this morning, when I heard someone calling my name at church. I looked up to see M., one of the few women at work that I have connected with. We've had lunch a few times, but we never got around to, "So, what do you do on Sunday mornings?" Funny how that never came up. I was happy to see her, and it made me feel like my instincts were correct that we could be friends.

I took the extra effort to attend a PTA meeting, and a nursing mother's activist meeting, last week. I had hoped to open the door to some new friends, with common interests. It's like dating though, finding new girlfriends is labor intensive. It takes time. But as my PT friends feel further and further away (Becca -- can't we trade dinner this week??) it's important that I establish some new pals here. And if they have interesting partners, so much the better. Now that we have a reliable babysitter, double dinner dates sound really appealing. But so does coffee on Saturday morning, scrapbooking on Sunday afternoon, or drinks after kid's bedtime any old night.

nothin' much

Steve went out to a movie tonight and the kids went to sleep remarkably easily, so here I sit with a little time on my hands. A few things from my world:

1. Parents, you must read this. It's witty and true. And if you comment, maybe he'll keep writing.

2. Until he gets a job. Steve is considering a full time position that he is easily qualified for, pays OK, and would probably not be too stressful. He is very worried about the kids being with "others" all day. I'm a little less worried about that, but certainly not happy at losing my wife.

3. "Knocked Up" = very funny movie. Haven't laughed that hard in eons. See it. We went to this nearby theatre that has childcare -- whoot! The kids liked it, we liked it (it's also one of those PDX "beer & pizza" theatres). I love this town.

4. My birthday is Monday, and I've lost 10 pounds in the past 5 weeks.

5. I had blood drawn for some standard tests this morning, and seven hours later I got an email notifying me that my results were available online. I love that! My cholesterol is a kick ass 120, and my glucose is a perfectly fine 85. Triglycerides, an amazing 37. No transfats around here, sir. My HDL could be improved with more exercise (and red wine).

6. Spaceburgers are better when you're a kid, but the county fair is still pretty damn fun.

Happy Birthday, family!

When Sam turned five yesterday, I was reminded of what difference his birth made in all of our lives. We went from a couple of newlyweds to a family of three. Our priorities shifted, never to return. And we started down the path that led us to Athena.

Happy Birthday, SammyT. You're the best.


Samuel Thelonious Wilmart 8/1/02


One year old


Not so terrible two.


Three years old & still wearing QS.


Four years old... growing up!


Happy 5th Birthday, Sam!

The "new" new job and what I wore

Late last week, I was offered (and accepted) a new job. Yes, I just started my current job a few months ago. This job is with the same company, doing similar work, but in a different department. And it pays 44% more. You read that right. I just got a forty four percent pay raise.

On the day I accepted the job, I had started using some of the suggestions in my latest read. I wore a black skirt and jacket that passed for a suit. A knit sleeveless shell. Pantihose and black pumps (purchased on my lunch break for $14.99 at Payless).

I attended a large meeting in the afternoon, at which I spoke briefly. A woman I have met several times -- I would recognize her from across a crowded room -- came up to me at the end. She said, "Beth, I was sitting here trying to figure out who you were. I was thinking, "Is she a manager?"

Is she a manager? I am now.

Grandmother Adella

We visited my parents new house last month on my mom's birthday. My grandmother, Adella Rebecca Baker, now lives with my parents in Moses Lake. We had a lovely but too short visit. Three generations of Rebecca's!

Oh, and check out how grown up my beautiful nieces are:

Claim the prize

When Sam told me his tooth hurt last weekend, I thought he just needed some dental floss. On closer inspection, it was all wiggly-waggly. We had to quickly explain the tooth fairy (a pretend person) and the process (put your tooth in a special place, and she'll bring you a prize).

We got a lovely little tooth pillow from Niki, and two days later out it came. We had tried to pull it out the night before, but when Sam went to school on Monday he "just stuck my finger in there and pulled it right out!"

The tooth went in the pillow - it has a special pouch - and the tooth fairy brought him a transformer. He was so excited he woke up in the middle of the night to see what she brought.

Fathers Day 07

It happens to be Father's Day, but this is really an update on how amazingly happy we are to be living in Portland. One of the great things about being here, is when I told Steve at 11am "Between now and 6:30pm you can do whatever you want" he actually had someplace to go. In PT we would have had to leave the house in order for Steve to have some quality alone time. Here, he took his Father's Day cash and hit the record shops. By foot and train, with good food and coffee along the way. Sweet.

I get asked every once in awhile whether I miss Port Townsend, and I have to say only, "I miss my girlfriends." Nothing else ever really enters my mind. I don't miss the judgments and expectations I seemed to have cultivated in my circle of acquaintances. I don't miss the Chinese water torture quality of financial stress we lived with for most of the years we were there. I don't miss the sameness of virtually everything: the people, the ideas, the goods and services, the attitudes. I'm not saying I was any different, then. The small town things sucks you in and before you know it you are small town too.

What do I love about Portland? I love the urban feel of our home, and having all the bedrooms upstairs. I love seeing 20-somethings dressed for business. I love seeing brown skin of all shades and ages and hearing different languages. I love walking five blocks to Trader Joes at 8pm. I love getting paycheck every two weeks, paid holidays, and excellent health benefits for $15 a month (total for the whole family). I love that Steve is home with the kids and he does the dishes and the laundry in between unpacking all our stuff. I know this last part will end fairly soon but it is sooooo nice right now.

We had a fun visit with Pam, Brock and Baxter a few weeks ago and discovered some good pizza for delivery. Tonight we found awesome Chinese (salt & pepper squid, Kung Pao w/ chicken, shrimp and beef, the juiciest BBQ pork ever) just a few blocks away. Both were recommended by the family across the street; two attorneys with a new baby and a two year old, who are taking turns staying home (Dad first). Note to self: invite them over for dinner.

The kids and I are settling in to our church, and looking forward to meeting the new minister who starts in August. Both kids are now in school three days a week (different schools), so Steve has the enviable schedule of Mon & Fri w/no kids, Tues & Thurs w/one, and Wednesdays with both. As productive as he's been with the kids home things can only improve with them gone. Lucky me!

We visited my parents at their new house in Moses Lake and got to see my grandma (who now lives with them) and my sister & her family. In two weeks Steve's parents will visit. We have no plans to visit PT but feel that we are getting close to an offer on our house. So hey, you! Come visit! It's a wonderful time to be in the Rose City.

First week

We are here in Portland, and it feels like we've been here much longer than 10 days. I started my new job last week, and things went pretty well. It is exhausting though, working full time. The last time I did this (1999) I could come home and just crash. Now I have family to attend to, not to mention all the chores of moving into a new home. Oh, and I'm a bit older now too.

I have hardly done any of the unpacking. Steve is doing it all. He's so awesome.

I am loving walking to the train each day, and delving into the corporate environment. Politics are pretty thick where I work, so I'm trying to figure out where I fit in. Mostly I want to learn the job, score some early wins, and not piss anybody off too much.

Athena is doing great at her new (temporary) daycare situation. We don't love it but it is what we found, so it will have to do for another week. She goes M-F from 9am-1pm. It wasn't a good fit for Sam, so he has been home with Steve. Sam is having a hard time adjusting to being away from his friends. He doesn't say so, but I know he misses the rhythm of his life in Port Townsend. He had friends to play with everyday; he doesn't have that here. It is causing him to act out and try everyone's patience.

Again, Steve is getting the worst of this. He is awesome. xoxoxo

We have ventured out a bit into the neighborhood. Steve and the kids have found several parks (indoors and out -- yes they have indoor parks here). We tried the Tibetan restaurant half a block away and it was good. I walk past Trader Joe's twice a day and find it hard not to stop and grab something we "need." We're planning to take the kids to see Shrek III -- it plays every half hour on the weekends starting at 9:30AM!

Sam and I went to church today, and I think this one will work out. They meet at 5pm on Sundays which is a great time for me. Athena stayed home this time to get some play time with Dad. Sam is having trouble getting used to the new place/people, but the songs are familiar and I think he'll get it in a few weeks.

I went to another NIA class today, (I went last Sunday too) which is taught by one of the founders, Carlos Rosas. I still think it is amazing and I look forward to going each week. With all the walking I do to/from and at work, if I can get in one dance class a week I think that will feel pretty good. My body already feels different just from all the walking. In a good way.

Why I Blog

Sister Rebecca tagged me with this question. I started blogging because my husband suggested it. At the time he was posting a lot more; we both started on LiveJournal. Now I blog for a couple of reasons:

1. To share pictures with my extended family and friends.
2. To share major events in my life with same.
3. To share and document good (or not so good) recipes and menus (World of Food)
3. To "talk" about things in my life.

This last one is the most sensitive, I suppose. I tend to blog about people being rude to me, as a way to heal from hurt feelings. This has backfired, when one of those people identified themselves and took offense. I also muse about things I've read, heard, or thought about recently. This sometimes starts a discussion that is almost always highly civil, since it is mostly my friends and family who read the blog.

I don't blog for the benefit of people I don't know -- what I write would be exceedingly boring to them. I don't have any agenda, topic, theme, or even style. This is my public diary, and like anything public I don't post anything I would be embarrassed to have my mother read. Likewise, if I'm blogging about another person, I don't blog anything I wouldn't say to their face.

I blog because I can, and because I like to share!

It was bound to happen, or How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Morning

This morning was a little hectic, getting the kids off to school with Athena screaming nonstop and fighting every move I made (esp. putting her in her car seat). I finally got them situated at school, swung by home for a bottle of water, and headed off to NIA class. I bought a five-card class a month ago but haven't found/made the time to attend but one. Now with only five days left until we move and no weekend classes, I will probably leave one class "on the table" as they say.

I love NIA. It is a body-positive class populated by (mostly) women of all ages, shapes, and sizes. The instructor is a fortyish hard-body mama with absolutely no attitude about it. She wants you to feel sexy and have fun. I always leave there thinking, "I want to do this every day."

Today was no different. The last two songs were specific "Thank You" anthems to our bodies and our classmates/friends/community. I got up to leave feeling energized, alive, peaceful, and grateful. Then an older woman came up to me and said: "This class is the best thing you can do for your baby. It's good for you, and for the baby. I'm a nurse. Keep coming to class. It really is so good for both of you."

I shit you not, she actually said this. I smiled, said, "Thank you" and got out of there just before the waterworks began. The last hour of feeling good about my body was blown to shreds by some old lady mistaking my belly fat for pregnancy.

I'm mostly over it now, but left wondering what I'm going to say if I see her at class next week. I know she meant well, and pretty much every overweight woman I know has had this happen to them too. It was just my first time. Not something I care to repeat.

Four down, one to go

Things are moving quickly now. Tuesday we sold the record store. Wednesday we leased (to own) a house in Portland. Now all we have to do is sell our old house, and we are done with our spring "To Do" list.

Then on to our Summer To Do list: job for Steve, schools and childcare for both kids, and all the million and one things that come with a new house in a new neighborhood in a new city in a new state. And plan our Fall vacation.

Two down, three to go

Today I accepted an offer from Kaiser Permanente to work in their communications department as Liaison, NW Permanente. The job is a marketing communications manager position, with writing responsibility. I will be working on internal and external communications projects for the physicians of Kaiser, some 800-900 of them. I am thrilled to be back in the workaday world, doing what I like to do and happen to be good at. Provided I pass my drug test and background check, I will start work on May 14th.

Also today, I offered the job of Executive Director of The Women's Health Project to a bright, confident woman who will do great at keeping the organization moving forward. I am so relieved. I will train her for the next few weeks, then she is free to make the job her own. Once we make an announcement about her, the fundraising should kick back in to gear.

Not bad for one day.

Fun w/Face Paint

Moving right along

It has been an interesting experiment to try and manage the spin on our upcoming relocation. Our timing is so heavily dependent on a bunch of things coming together at roughly the same time, it's hard to tell people exactly what we are up to. But here's an update, such as it is:

We have five major points to address in this life-change we've embarked on.

1. Sell the store. We are working with a terrific buyer, and if all goes well we will be transferring ownership in the near future. That's about as specific as I can get at the moment.

2. Sell our house in PT. It was listed this week, and we are READY TO SHOW!

3. Get a job (for me) in PDX. I have a second interview next week.

4. Transfer my nonprofit organization to a new Director. I am interviewing four candidates in the next several days.

5. Buy a house in PDX. This can't happen until all of the above is accomplished, plus probably Steve getting a job. But we're looking at lots of places next weekend!

Some good news (finally)

One of the hardest parts for me of our upcoming transition has been what to do about The Women's Health Project. I launched this nonprofit organization last summer, and quit my job to work on it full time in November. At the end of January, we decided to move to Portland, so my fledgling organization was suddenly about to lose the founder. Two board members quit on the spot when they heard the news. Individual donations dried up, and fundraising came to a stand still. Meanwhile, the bills kept coming and the community kept asking when our programs would be ready.

I am far from being done worrying about what is going to happen, but today my mailbox brought me a little piece of joy. No, it was not a sizable donation from someone who really *ought* to be contributing to this venture if only to show their support of me personally (no, I don't mean you RJM). Nor was it notice that we won one of the half dozen grants that I have applied for. It was a letter from the IRS, telling me that the Women's Health Project is now officially a federally-recognized non profit organization. Yes, we received our 501 (C) 3 determination today and I let out the biggest WHOOP! when I read it.

It is a small step, but it makes the entity much more real. It lets us out of our fiscal sponsorship arrangement, which while helpful, was also cumbersome. We are on our own now, succeed or fail. I'm voting for succeed, although I won't be around to lead the way.

On the edge of panic

(written last night but I had trouble posting to blogger until today)

I have been having panic attacks for almost twenty years. I go through phases where I have them more frequently, such as when I was pregnant with Athena. I saw a therapist who helped me learn ways to reduce both the frequency and the severity of attacks.

I can often tell when an attack is imminent. I don’t feel quite right; a little anxious, a little off kilter. Frequently this is when I am either stressed, or exhausted, or both. I was feeling a bit off last night, and today was a struggle to keep myself from succumbing to a full-blown attack.

If you have never suffered from panic disorder, it is hard to explain how debilitating it can be. Imagine feeling like you are about to pass out, throw up, and/or drive yourself off a cliff (or all three) at any given moment. Then imagine that you never know when these feelings will strike. It used to be that it only happened to me while I was driving, or when there was snow on the ground. Then one day I flipped out in a business meeting, and realized it could happen anywhere.

I now know that getting enough rest, good nutrition, absolutely zero caffeine, and plenty of water all help me avoid an attack. I have also figured out ways to keep myself from completely losing it. This is what happened today. I got up at 5am after about six hours of interrupted sleep. Drove to the Bainbridge Island ferry to catch a 7:05am boat to Seattle. I felt a bit anxious in the car, but focused on keeping my mind clear of excess clutter (rapid thoughts are a symptom of panic). I breathed slowly and drank some water. It helped.

At the conference today I didn’t feel panicked but I felt so very tired, and a little scared of driving home. I battled the feeling of impending panic for half of the way home. For about 15 minutes things got pretty hairy. I felt clammy and disconnected from my body. I was in danger of hyperventilating. My mind was flitting from one thought to the next, interspersed with judgment about my inability to control my symptoms. The sun was in my eyes, making things even worse (panic brings great photo sensitivity – for me anyway). I focused on all the tools I had learned to try and calm myself down. It worked, eventually. For the last 25 minutes of the drive, I was fine. Calm, normal, even awake.

The sense of relief I felt when I realized the panic had passed was immense. After a full-blown attack, I can feel ‘on edge’ for days afterward. In this case, I felt almost back to normal. Every time these techniques work and I don’t go off the deep end, I feel more empowered that I am not at the mercy of random panic. It is a good reminder, though, that I need to take care of myself – physically and emotionally – if I want to keep these experiences to a minimum.

It's not all bad

Athena turned two on February first, earning the right to her very own lunch box. Considering that her first sentence was "I want mine own!" that seemed appropriate. Although she has only read one Dora the Explorer book and never seen a Dora video (that we know of) she recognized the character immediately and fell in love with her new lunch box.

This was the first and only time I put a clip in her hair, but I think it's cute!



Sam turned four and a half on February first, which he is proud to tell anyone who asks. His babysitter Michele gave him this Hot Wheels lunch box, which he uses to store his 30+ Hot Wheels cars. The following weekend he got his own new Power Rangers lunchbox. He has never seen Power Rangers, but seems to know everything about them.


Sam is still crazy about his flourescent striped tights that Santa brought him. So much so, that we got him another pair in a different (flourescent) color. They make him "super fast!"



For Athena's Birthday, I made this fleece blanket to match the one that Sam has on his bed. It is a "no sew" design, which is good because I do not sew. At all. It was fun to pick out the fabric, measure and cut the tassles, and tie them all up. She loves it and looks so adorable snuggled up in it.


As you can see, she still sleeps with her Teletubbies, "Winky" and "Po," who must be wrapped in her "blankie." She has been known to wake up and say, "Where's my Winky? Where's my Po? Where's my Blankie?"

Lovey the Killer Lab

Our new dog Lovey has a dark side. Last weekend, while we were in Portland, Lovey stayed with some friends who have two kids a few years older than ours. They played, they ran on the beach, they played fetch until the tennis ball sank in the ocean. They called us on Sunday and said they wanted to steal him from us.

Then it all went very very bad.

They took him to a relative's house, where another dog lives. They were very careful to observe the two dogs together; everything was fine. Then about two hours into the day, Lovey attacked the other dog. Nobody saw what happened (a 5yo kid was the only human in the vicinity) but the sounds of snarling gnashing and yipping made it pretty easy to put the pieces together. Oh, and the gaping wound that covered half of the other dog's face and nearly caused her to lose an eye.

Lovey acted very sheepish and moped around the house for several days after he came home. Tuesday another friend was here with his dogs and insisted that I let Lovey out to see how he would behave. Even after hearing the above story, he said, "Let's see how it goes. I take full responsibility for whatever happens." Within two minutes Lovey had one of the dogs by the haunches, whipping his head back and forth trying to pull a leg off. "Oh, *that* kind of biting." Yeah, that kind.

Not sure what this means for Lovey as a permanent member of the Wilmo household. He has never shown any signs of aggression toward the kids. But it makes me nervous. We'll see.

Update 2/10/07: Lovey is gone. We are all very sad.

Double Whammy

When my monthlong "Winter Crud" began to recycle symptoms, I decided to come out of denial and seek medical attention. My regular doctor (and her entire clinic) could not see me, so I went to the new-ish urgent care center at the edge of town. A very friendly and relatively swift exam and X-ray revealed double pneumonia.

Why double, you say? Double means I have the dreaded goo in both lungs, not just one. I must have the "walking" kind of pneumonia because I had barely missed any work and up until that point was not considering cancelling my weekend plans (which I subsequently did, and was glad). Steve came home early from work, we bailed on various playdates and other activities, and I have been laying low with my antiboitics and inhaler. I feel roughly the same... marginally better, I suppose, but I didn't feel *that bad* before.

When I started really listening to Athena's breath earlier today, I got skittish and took her up there too. Since she had RSV as a newborn, she's more susceptible to respitory infections and asthma. She's been coughing for a few weeks too, but not nearly as horribly as I. She is fine -- a cold, they say. "No mom, you are the only one who is sick."

Well, that's good.

Christmas 2006

This was taken shortly before Athena stole the show at church on Christmas Eve. The little minx insisted on dancing, prancing, and generally doing everything short of crawling into the manger at the children's Christmas Eve service. Her only saving grace was she was quiet about it. Sam was a little sweetheart -- spent most of the time giving me hugs and kisses and calling me his "little sweetie" as he often does.

Our holiday was marked this year by the huge emotional rollercoaster that is 4th quarter retail. Thanks to everyone who bought something (anything) at Quimper Sound this season. Steve works so hard leading up to and including Christmas Eve and then we get about 36 hours off to spend with family and right back at it. We were both up and out to work at 8am Tuesday morning; December is a very busy time for nonprofits too.

As I talked to some friends about our various Christmas experiences, I was grateful for a deepening spirituality that has bloomed during the last year. I found myself wishing I was at the adult service so I could concentrate on the sermon rather than the children's Christmas pageant. For the first time in a long time I didn't feel conflicted about the season and its spiritual component. I enjoy shopping for gifts but we really scaled back this year and it was totally fine. I relaxed my expectations and focused on enjoying my friends and family. So although it was stressfull, it wasn't *insane* as it sometimes can be. And the stress wasn't really related to the holiday, except insofar as retail is always related to this time of year.

Merry Ho Ho, one and all. 

Unhappy Dino

Sam REALLY wanted to put his trick or treat bag all the way over his head. We finally resigned ourselves to the fact that Sam doesn't like trick or treating. The crowds, the "ask" -- too much for my sensitive little man. He likes candy, but not enough to accept it from strangers and certainly not enough to ask for it. Crowds make him claustrophobic. Next year, we'll skip the parade and downtown trick or treating, and have a peaceful night on Blaine Street. Which is, after all, THE place to be in our little burg on the spookiest night of the year. 

Stellaluna

Our little bat, before she injured her "wing." 

Lovey Dog

Last week, we adopted a four year old purebred Chocolate Lab from the pound. His name was Brutus, which Sam opted to change to "Lovey Dog." He is very lovey... sweet with the kids and only wants to be where the family is. But he loves to run and jump and play fetch too. He's a big dog, so he needs to get some good exercise daily. His only faults (that we know of) are an aggressive nature toward other male dogs (his scheduled snip-snip on Tuesday should temper that) and putrid farts (well, we can't complain too much about that around here). He is used to being in the house for hours at a time which is good because he easily jumps our fence. He only does it when he sees us all trying to leave though. If we are home he would much prefer to be in the house. 

Nursemaid Elbow

Athena took two trips to the Emergency Room this week, for nursemaid elbow. Hard to believe this never happened to Sam and now it happened twice in one week to Athena (on different arms, too). The first time was Halloween -- during the annual parade, of course. Athena was on daddy's shoulders, playing a game they often play where she leans back and he keeps her from falling. She leaned back too quickly, he wisely held her tight, and yowch! Nursemaid elbow. We cut short our festivities, got fixed up in the ER, and came home to watch a movie. Since our street is a hot spot for trick or treating, we put our 500 or so pieces of candy in a bowl outside the gate and watched it disappear in about ten minutes.

The second time was yesterday. After playing beautifully together all morning, Sam decided Athena absolutely must not play in his room upstairs. Rather than waiting for daddy to help, he tried to drag her out by her arm. Uh oh. Back to the ER (these things always happen after office hours or on the weekend, don't they?) This time they insisted on an X ray before they would adjust her.

Athena is fine, Sam is apologetic, and I am scared to see the bill for this week.

"Grammpy!"

Athena loving on Great Grandpa Paul and Grandpa Jim (aka Grammpy) 

Soccer for four year olds

Sam's team of five boys was "Madagascar" -- the country, not the movie. 

School Pals

Sam and two of his buddies from school, Caullin and Keenan. 

Moving a bit too fast

I have been neglecting a lot lately, not the least of which is my blog. The last week or so I had a good excuse: I was sick (awful head cold which has now felled my dear hubby). I neglected many many things last week, some I meant to and some I simply forgot. What has been going on that has me so distracted?

1. I am starting a new non-profit organization, The Women's Health Project. In two weeks we will have our first event, and hopefully before then we will have fiscal sponsorship so I can begin fundraising in earnest. Which is good because

2. I have only another month left at my job as Program Manager for the Community Network. My able replacement, Anne, is already taking over nearly everything. Which is good, because I am starting to suffer from serious short-timer's disease. I did promise to clean up the office a bit before I go.

3. The kids. Oh, they are sooooooo great! Athena is chattering up a storm, and Sam is his sweet, sensitive self. Sam has been playing soccer for about six weeks; today was his last game. He loved it, and cried when the game ended today. Rather than go straight into basketball (basketball? for a four year old?) we are planning to detour through some gymnastics lessons instead. Soccer was one game and one practice per week, which was almost too much for my little man. I think he will dig gymnastics, as I did.

4. Church. I am chair of my church's capital campaign, which is in full swing. I have a great team of people doing most of the heavy lifting, but there is still a lot for me to keep track of, meetings to attend, congregational events to speak at, etc. I am basically the spokesperson/hot-seat-sitter for the campaign. We hope to raise $750k and as of the 19th we already had $508k. As the chair, I am also obligated to canvass several of my fellow congregants, which takes additional time and energy.

5. The rest of life. Quimper Sound, Playschool, babysitting co-op, AAUW, weekly support group (w/homework), various events, obligations, and social gatherings. I pride myself on staying on top of what's going on around me, but sometimes I just want to hide under the covers and disconnect the phone (and email). Or, oohh, take a vacation! Vacations have taken on this elusive fantasy quality, sort of like winning the lottery. Which apparently we will have to do if I ever want to take a vacation. Sigh. Oh for 1999. (just kidding!)

Ethics and maternity leave

I had occasion to speak with a woman today -- a very nice lady who was on her first excursion out of the house post baby #2 -- when she confided to me that she was "not going back to work, but they don't know that yet." I have seen this happen time and time and time again: women who promise their employers that they will be back just as soon as their maternity leave is over. Then, sometime between their last day on the job and their first day back (or even before) they decide, nah... I'm not comin' back. But I have *never* known a woman who, once she made this choice, did the ethical thing and told her employer right away. Every single time, they (the great big "they") wait until the last possible moment before clueing their employer in. I remember one woman who was told by her benefits person that she should not tell her boss she wasn't planning to come back, so that she could take full (financial) benefit of her maternity leave.

So... what's wrong with this "me first" attitude? It is harmful to business, but it is also harmful to women. It perpetuates stereotypes of women in the workplace, particularly women of child bearing age. When I applied for the job I am currently leaving, I was 7 months pregnant with my first child. The three women who interviewed me all wanted to hire me, but the lone man on the committee was hesitant. "Women change when they have a baby" he said. The others laughed and/or glared at him, overruled, and I was offered the job within a few weeks of my son's birth. I started when he was 8 weeks old (it was part time and I could take him with me).

But what he said is often true. I wonder what this means for (some) women's ability to be true to their word, or more importantly, be true to themselves. I'm not saying that we always know how we will feel when life's major events overtake us, but we should be able to conduct ourselves with honesty and respect. We should give these decisions (when and whether to work) the forethought that they deserve, and when circumstances change we should do the right thing.

This ideal has applications far beyond maternity leave, of course. As a small business owner I have been on the short end of the stick with employees more than once. It would never occur to me to lie about a doctor's appointment in order to take advantage of a sick leave policy, or simply not show up for work one day (or show up and quit on the spot). Until recently, I probably thought it was illegal to not give two weeks notice when leaving a job.

I have no good way to wrap this up other than, treat your employers, your co-oworkers, and yourself with respect, always. Be the kind of person who can be trusted to follow through. Set a good example - you never know who is watching.

Birthday Weekend

What a great birthday weekend! Friday night was cocktails and a movie with a friend. Two thumbs up. Saturday morning I slept WAY in, thanks to Steve, then did some puttering and hit the Farmer's Market. My parents arrived around 2pm, we hung out and then showed them the new store. Back home and dinner two doors down at an open house/yard party, then nice chat with the 'rents before bed. Sunday, my actual Birthday, included coffee and pastries with my folks before they headed back to Moses Lake. Then off to a beautiful baby shower/blessingway for a dear friend. The best food I have EVER had at a baby shower, hands down. And what a wonderful outpouring of love for my friend. Back home for leisure time in the afternoon, then another friend came over to babysit while Steve and I walked downtown for sushi. Tumbled into my freshly made bed (virtually all housework this weekend was done by my family, mostly Steve).

Oh, and the earrings. Steve got me the most stunning, elegant, PERFECT pearl and diamond earrings from our favorite jeweler. A near-total surprise, and very welcome. I adore them. And him too.

A perfect mix of groups, family, alone time, variety of activities. The only thing missing was singing (that's OK!) and cake (had a fabulous slice at the shower). I am feeling very blessed right now...

The Meaning of Wife, Part III

I talked my now-defunct book club into reading The Meaning of Wife, and we broke up before we had a chance to discuss it. So for all you book clubbers (and anyone else) - here is a forum for us to discuss. See this post, and this post, and this one for starters. I'll jump in again once you get going.

Ready for kitchen duty

Sam has been helping me a lot in the kitchen, even asking to learn how to wash dishes. So I got him his very own apron, so he will be properly attired. Doesn't he look sweet enough to eat? 

Did somebody say Party??

There is so much going on in this picture, it is hard to know where to start. Sam had 20+ friends over for his party (lots of siblings). Someone called our back yard a big rumpus room. Yeah, baby. 

The Cake

SammyT turned four on August 1. He wanted to have a Hot Wheels party, which meant he wanted us to buy a bunch of Hot Wheels cars for his friends to play with and take home. No presents for himself, just plenty o'Hot Wheels. No problem. Steve, Sam and I all worked together to make the cake, which was the prime focus of Sam's attention. All in all, a successfull party. More photos to come. 

More on the topic of women and the home

This one actually references this one at the end. My favorite line: ...because this is one of those articles that include sentences like "Of course we're not telling you to jump off a cliff" directly before lines like "but you sure will look pretty in mid-air,"

Beautiful.

Camp Wilmo

Last Friday night, we camped for the first time. We set up two tents in the backyard, one that would fit all of us tightly, and a back up in case somebody needed more space during the night. It was a warm evening, and with all four of us in one tent we stayed nice and toasty. Steve and I slept on an air mattress in the center, and the kids each had a cozy "pod" on either side of us. Sam enjoyed playing with the flashlight and telling stories, and Athena liked bouncing on the mattress. Everyone was asleep by around 10pm, which is when the racoons starting going down the slide. Next time we'll wake Sam up so he can see them. All in all, a very restful, fun night.

Oh, and in case you couldn't tell, Sam has finally figured out how to smile for the camera. Those of you who received copies of his preschool picture last year will be glad to know that! 

Breaking the Code

Remember this? Here's what it was about:

1. Quimper Sound & the Analog Lounge opened at 230 Taylor Street on July 1st.
2. The Women's Health Project will be my new "job" starting in January, provided I can enlist a Board of Directors and raise sufficient funds. Tonight, I had the very first person come right out and say, "I'll contribute." An hour later, she had offered to join the board. Whoo hoo!
3. It took me a minute to remember who both of these people were. One of them moved away, and the other one I rarely see any more but I made a specific effort to reach out last time we were in proximity.
4. Good GYN. Problem solved.

Scenes from a family

Tonight after dinner, we all went for a walk. No stroller, no 'motorcycle', just two grown ups and two kids trekin' up the street. We walked to Aldrich's for gummi worms ("sssssssss...." says Athena. She thinks they are gummi snakes) and ice cream. I shared my soft-serve cone with both kids.

"Moe! Moe!" -- Athena

"Mommy, HOW do you think they make this super good ice cream?" - Sammy
"I don't know Sammy. But you know, we have an ice cream maker at home." - Mom
"Really?! Where IS he??!!" - Sam

The munchkins

Early morning snuggle while watching "Jakers!" 

Inside the new store

This is a little better picture. Note the "Vinyl Vault" in back -- an actual bank vault. 

Hey! I own a coffee shop!

Quimper Sound & the Analog Lounge opened with great fanfare this weekend. The place looks fabulous, the coffee is delish, and people loved the three sets of live music (not to mention our lush green couch). Some final details to work out, a lot of sleep to get caught up, and wait & see. I think it's going to be good. 

Family Rules

Every family has certain rules. Sometimes they are spoken, but often they are simply 'understood.' It is interesting to ask people "What was the worst thing you could do?" in your family. I think it tells a lot about that person, or at least where they came from. It also ties back to my previous post, because many of us are following rules we didn't agree to, rules that we may not even be aware of.

In my own selective memory, the biggest rule in my family was "Be responsible." Not a bad rule, as rules go. The worst thing I could be in my family's eyes was irresponsible. So... am I a responsible person because that was the rule in my family, or am I just naturally that way? What would happen if I did something irresponsible? Whom would I disappoint? To what lengths would I go to hide my irresponsibility?

While I think most folks who know me would agree that I am a fairly responsible person, I do make mistakes -- challenge the rule -- fuck up on purpose sometimes. Occassionally I have the presence of mind to question my own thoughts and actions when something is causing me particular stress. I also struggle to remember that there are LOTS of other people who are responsible; I don't have to be "the one." At those times, I try to see clearly to the things that are most important to me, that affect my family directly. I focus on those, and let some of the others slip away.

The other rule in my family was that the parents don't fight. I am pretty sure this is selective memory and not what actually happened. I remember plenty of fights between me and my parents, between my sister and my parents, between my sister and me. Yet somehow I came away with no memory of my parents arguing with each other. This is a rule I have definitely worked to change. I grew up not knowing how to be angry with my partner and work through it. I had a very black and white view of relationships. Fortunately, Steve is self-aware and was committed to working things out from the very beginning. I remember him telling me, early on in our courtship, that it would be easy for us to each go off to our separate apartments if we had a disagreement. But he wanted us to stay together in our anger, sit with it or work through it but not run away from it. One of the things I have put a lot of effort into the last two years is recognizing my own anger and dealing with it. I may fight with my husband a little bit more, but I spend fewer nights crying into my pillow. And we don't hide if from the kids. They need to see that mommy and daddy don't always agree, that they get frustrated and angry and disappointed with each other just like they do with their children. And they work it out. The love goes on.

The Meaning of Wife, Part II

The real glass ceiling is at home. Read it to the end, then feel free to comment.

The Meaning of Wife, Part I

I'm reading this book, and it has really got me thinking. First about how I bought into the Wedding Industrial Complex hook, line, and sinker. Then about how, in my peer group at least, 'staying at home' is now a status symbol. Even if you are so poor you can't rub the proverbial two dimes together, you are accorded a certain status for 'giving it up for the kids.' I, fortunately, have the best of both worlds. I can claim the benefits of a stay at home mom (did you know it's really easy to make your own tortillas; and it's super cheap!), but I also earn a decent salary and have no issues with lack of adult conversation or professional satisfaction.

So, what's the point?

I realize that I am a victim of the latest media and marketing craze, in ways I absolutely did not recognize. My sudden interest in home organization, menu planning, and home-cooking is largely a product of my demographic and its place in time. The pendulum will swing and other things will become emphasized again in time. It is hard to recognize, in myself and others, what is truly of our own wanting, and what is mostly manufactured. I suppose being part of a larger society, our individual wants will always be shaped by the group we identify with. But it doesn't make me feel any less of a tool.

I challenge you, dear reader, to think about the way you define wife. Then think about why. It is fascinating. More on this topic to come.

Summer Fun

 

Trike Races

It's Rhody Time! This year was the first time Sam competed in the trike races. In fact, he just learned how to pedal this 'motorcycle' the day before the race. But he practiced... a lot... and came in fourth in his age group (3yr old). His buddy, Ben Lander, came in first in the 4yr olds on bikes (with training wheels, of course). But in all the excitement we forgot to bring his helmet. Luckily he didn't have far to fall. 

Dedication of Children

Our church does a "Dedication of Children" twice each year. This year, our kids were the only ones so honored on Mother's Day, which appealed to my vanity and made it extra special. My sister in law, Melissa, sang during the ceremony and had the congregation in tears. The dedication includes an affirmation by the parents, godparents (Alec & Melissa), and congregation to support the children, and a "four elements" blessing which is what you see in the picture. Bruce has just wiped some water on Athena's cheek, after putting dirt in her hand. Next he blew on her face, and swept his hand across a flame and over her. Several of our friends commented on how special it was to see our children honored in this way, and how we are truly their 'family.' Yes.

Mother's Day

Ahh, Mother's Day. What originally started as a mom's call to peace, is now either loved or hated by moms everywhere. I am in the "love" camp. My family does a good job of appreciating me on a daily basis, but on Mom's Day they take extra care. And by they, I mean (of course) my husband. Sam started to understand Mother's Day a little bit this year, but it is still mostly dad's job.

Mother's Day is all about what mom wants to do. So here's how it went: slept in until 8am, followed by fresh pastries and a latte, family in town for special church service (see next post), lunch downtown, strolled around & browsed at craft fair, relaxed at home with a movie, take out for dinner, late evening cocktail hour with friends at swanky hotel lounge.

On top of which, my sweetie brought me flowers and a new label maker. And he made sure that nobody gave me any attitude or disagreement for the whole day. For 24 hours, my problems vanished and I luxuriated in a day of doing only what I pleased. Heaven. Thanks, family.
Love, Mom

In praise of dental floss

I'm pretty sure I have never kept a New Year's resolution this long before. This year, I resolved to begin flossing daily. I am proud to say that my dental hygienist was suitably impressed with the results, and I experienced my first pain-free cleaning (as an adult, anyway). Six months ago I left their office in tears, with a mouthfull of bloody pulp. Yesterday, it was as if I had simply brushed my teeth.

I am a flossing believer!

In my ear

About two months ago, out of the blue, I stopped listening to country music. I was driving along, listening to a pop radio station, when I realized, "Hey, I like this song." That thought turned into a stream of thoughts about how limited my musical preferences have been for so long, and what that says about me. I decided that I did not want to be so narrow, so confined. It didn't feel like "me."

I started listening to country in the early 90's, as sort of a backlash against the "Seattle Sound." Based on a few personal experiences with musicians of that era, I wanted nothing to do with grunge or it's trappings. (I still despise Pearl Jam but developed an acceptance of Nirvana after KC died -- probably because there would not be any more forthcoming) I spent my weekends dancing to live R&B and the rest of the time I listened to pop country.

Even after marrying the Music Nazi (according to HL), I did not expand my repertoire. In fact, it contracted. Odd thing for a music store owner, and I knew it. But I seemed helpless to change. I became more and more entrenched in this one limited sound until I was simply listening to the same 8 or 10 CDs over and over.

So what am I listening to now? I tune in to a couple of different radio stations. The song I heard was Jack Johnson's Upside Down, so I have been listening to the Curious George soundtrack a lot. Sam knows all the words. And Steve has this great Motown remix CD in his car.

(How dorky is it for a 40 year old mother of two to drive around in a convertible with the top down cranking War?)

I have also been flipping through the other CDs in the changer, giving them a chance. I'm just more... open. Open to new sounds, which may be old and common to everyone else. Open to remembering when I wasn't so closed down. Open to being open.

Too, too much

Things just got to be "a bit much" for me today. I realized this when I met my friend for a movie (Friends With Money -- recommend it), and she asked me how my day was. When I started to recap it for her, a look of mild horror crossed her face. Yeah, maybe I had a few too many things on my plate today.

5:15am - nurse Athena back to sleep. unable to return to sleep myself.
6:00am - up and showered. Chop fruit and cheese for Steve to take to Playschool.
6:50am - at work
9:30am - tried to pay printer bill, bought groceries and coffee, dropped groceries at home and went to Playschool.
10:00am - "Snack" person at Playschool
11:25am - bailed on my obligation to stay late and help clean up
11:35am - picked up Sam from school
11:50am - nursed Athena to sleep
12:00pm - made Sam's lunch, made and ate my lunch
12:20pm - played w/Sam, tried to nap, cleaned, read the paper, played w/Sam
2:10pm - baby wakes up, same as above, plus started making dinner
3:00pm - friend drops off his son for me to babysit
4:30pm - hand kids off to Steve, eat my dinner
5:00pm - run meeting of Capital Campaign Committee at church
6:20pm - nurse Athena to bed
6:40pm - buy bulk coffee and latte, sit outside the movie theatre and wait for friend

And this list doesn't even include the energy put into my several other volunteer commitments, work stuff, and plans for my new venture. Trying to keep up with friends and family... heck, I can barely keep up with myself. So it is now after 10pm and I think I must shut down for the night and try to be more sane tomorrow.

As good as it gets

Here is a recap of my 3 1/2 year old son's day:

• Homemade pancakes for breakfast
• Shopping at Swain's for "hot wheelers" and rockets to give friend for his birthday
• School - learning about butterflies and "dirt worms"
• Snack at school that included birthday cookie
• Hardboiled egg whites and apple for lunch, followed by chocolate easter egg
• Decorating birthday package with crayons and markers
• Helping landscaper pull weeds in the sunshine
• Birthday party in the park with other friends from school
• Cupcakes & ice cream!
• Playdate at another park
• Bath
• Dinner with family: fish, new potatoes, zuchinni
• Treat! (licorice pigs)
• Video games
• "nursings"

"Sam, what was the best part of today?"

"Going to that cool birthday party."

"And what was the hardest part of today?"

"Nothing. Nothing was hard."

"What do you want to take to bed with you?"

"Nursings..."

The Aristocrats

I rented The Aristocrats tonight, which had two weeks of sold out midnight showings at The Rose a few months ago. After fifteen minutes I still hadn't laughed once -- not even grinned. I turned it off. I guess I am just not that cool.

I am a Free-wheeling Visionary

That sounds so much more exciting than I actually am. But cool. Thanks to my sister (a free-wheeling architect) for hooking me up with this test.

See my results here.

Friends with Skills II

She really is a very happy girl... 

Friends with skills

My friend Elizabeth took some shots of the kids this week. Here is a little sneak peek... 

WTH is wrong with my knee??

Since yesterday morning I have barely been able to walk. It feels like someone whacked my right kneecap with a blunt instrument. I have been sucking down ibuprofen every four hours for two straight days. This morning it felt fine as I dressed for my walk, but two blocks into it I was limping along. I headed home, in pain (physical and emotional -- I love my early a.m. walks!)

I remember in seventh grade having something like this. It was so bad I had to stay home from school. As I recall it resolved on its own. Over the years I have had twinges when the weather gets damp, or when I exercise too much, but nothing this bad. Many members of my family have had "bad knees" of some type or other, so I wonder if this was just inevitable.

I do not want to get cut open again.

Comfortable clothes vs. Feeling comfortable in your clothes

I don't wear leisure wear except to exercise. I'm not a track suit and tennies sort of gal. But Tuesday, I had an important meeting in the afternoon and errands to run with my kids in the morning, and I just couldn't face getting fully dressed twice. So I experimented.

I wore a nice stretchy top given to me by my fashionista sister, and my new track pants (with stripe that matched the top), and my white athletic shoes. I ran the kids around to school and whatnot in the morning, even stopping by my office. I had more "bounce" than usual. I noticed that I chased my son to the gate at school, which I would never do in my normal shoes. I was truly a "mom in tennis shoes."

It was a fun experiment, and I think it worked because I knew I would be really dressing for work later, and my hair was styled and my accessories matched my outfit. I didn't put on my makeup until later, but I did wear lipstick (a habit I am happy to have reinstated).

What struck me was how comfy the clothes were. I can see why women want to dress like that every day. But even though I was wearing comfortable clothes, I would not have been comfortable in many situations. I think running errands with a one year old on my hip bought me the permission I needed to wear that outfit. Once my kids were home with dad and I was "on the clock" I needed to be dressed more professionally. That's just me.

But it made me realize that there is a place in my wardrobe for leisure wear. It is a small place, but it is there. I think I need another pair of those cute track pants.

Getting a little better, and a little worse

Sam is fully on the mend now, with just a residual cough and the typical mid-winter runny nose. He went back to school on Thursday. Athena is still lagging behind, but hopefully will be well enough to return to playschool on Wednesday. No rest for the weary; Steve and I were busy all weekend. And one of our babysitters took ill and ended up in the hospital w/pneumonia, so we have been down one sitter and of course worried about her. She is home now, but won't be back to work for awhile.

We are taking this opportunity to rethink our work schedules, and I will probably change to two full days and two half days a week, instead of five partial days. I will still be at 25 hours a week, but I'll have longer days to get more done, and a full day with the kiddos in the middle of the week. I think it will work out nicely, if we can fill the two sitter slots we need. Steve will rearrange his days slightly, but also keep the same number of hours.

Since I've been so sick, I haven't been out walking. Hopefully I will be well enough by Wednesday to rejoin my troops. If there are any left.

Feeling like crap

Sick kids, sick spouse, sick me. We all have some awful strain of winter nastiness, causing coughing, snotty head, and the usual host of symptoms. Kids have had fevers too. I was doing fine today, despite severe sleep deprivation due to (see above) but after dinner I just hit the wall.

I'm not sure I can get out of this chair...

Old Time Rock & Roll

Sam doing his Risky Business imitation... 

Trying the big girl car seat on for size

Yes, this is sitting on the kitchen counter. We wanted to make sure it fit correctly before installing it -- same car seat, just facing forward. Besides, it is another opportunity to show off her stunning smile! 

But the real party was at home

 

In case there was any doubt about which birthday it was...

 

Birthday princess

They made her a crown at Playschool, and everyone sang... 

Birthday girl

I know I have been slack about posting pictures, so here we go... 

Most Unhelpful Comment or Why I Hate Sarcasm

I shouldn't have taken the kids to open gym today. We all slept poorly last night; Sam got Steve up four times and Athena got me up four times. I was nodding off in my chair at 9:30am.

But we went, and it was mostly fine. Athena got cranky at 11am so I nursed her and let her fall asleep on one of the gym mats. Sam started showing signs of tired/cranky, but it was close to time to go and I knew it was going to be difficult. I gave him the five minute warning, then the one minute warning. At the one minute warning he SCREECHED "NOOOOOOOO" at the top of his lungs, as he has been prone to do in similar situations lately. This was followed by very loud crying, running away from me, and more screeching.

Let's just say right now that I despise this behavior. I am embarrassed by it, it is out of character for my son, and it is just downright disruptive. But he is going through this phase, and I know (from experience and from parental guidance authorities) that yelling back will not work. I don't believe in hitting children (or adults, for that matter). What I do is pick up our things and quietly leave as quickly as possible. Last week, Sam screamed almost the entire way home.

Today's episode was complicated by the fact that I had a sleeping baby to get home too. And it was freezing outside, so we had to put on coats (not to mention shoes and socks, in Sam's case). So as I begin reaching for our things (immediately after the first screech), another mom looks me in the eye and says, "If your child teaches my child to do that I am going to be really pissed."

Yeah, uh huh. I'll get right on that.

Have a nice day.

Woman or Mom?

I was talking with some other moms recently, and one (very lovely) mother of three said, "I just want my husband to see me as a woman first, then a mother." I agreed, but said we must first see ourselves that way.

I was definitely a woman first today.

Steve doesn't understand why I took the following as a compliment, but I did. At my chiropractor's, the office manager commented on the fact that I didn't have my kids with me. Then she said, "You don't even look like a mom with two kids." Whoo hoo!

I was dressed a bit more fancy/dressy/polished than usual, for a couple of reasons. I had a few meetings today, and since Steve had the kids in the morning I could actually dress for the day and not worry about trashing my outfit before it was time to leave for work. Of course, I did notice a small bit of banana on my shirt right after the comment at the chiropractors, but she obviously couldn't see it.

I didn't get to spend much time with the kids at all today, because Steve and I went out to dinner for a belated Valentines Day celebration. We had a gift certificate to a lovely little place we had never been to, but didn't think it would be cool to use the certificate on a holiday (it was a gift from the owners). We called in the babysitting co-op, and enjoyed a lovely hour and a half on our own. It was fun; we reminisced about our early dating days, which happened also to be our "flush" days. In other words, when we were first dating we went to restaurants like this *all the time.* Now, we can only go if we get a gift certificate. The food was great, we even had dessert, and our favorite server happens to be working there now (she is also a friend).

Back to the moms talking about being a woman first. This conversation came on the heels of a conversation about clothing options for moms. I said -- to complete silence --"I just want to dress like Audrey Hepburn every day."

I mean that.

Secret Eating

I've been thinking about this post for a long time. It is tied to a thought that runs through my head more frequently than I would like to admit, "What do you eat when no-one is looking?" I have asked myself this question innumerable times, but it also surfaces when I am talking to friends and aquaintances about their weight struggles.

"What do you eat when no-one is looking?"

I never actually ask the question.

I have mostly given up my own secret eating, since being outed by my husband a few months ago. Once he became aware of how much sugar I was actually consuming (out of sight, of course) it was pointless to continue. We began our current "re-calibrating" diet; a program set forth to help us lose weight and also reign in our sugar habit. Now we eat together, mostly, and I have shared with him my struggles to bypass the candy bins, boxed chocolates, and bakery treats on my daily trips to the grocery store.

"What do you eat when no-one is looking?"

The first guideline in Geneen Roth's Breaking Free from Compulsive Eating is "Eat in Full View of Your Friends, Partner, Children, Parents, Colleagues." She reveals a common notion people have, that if you are overweight you should not be allowed to eat. Overweight people should spend all their time trying to lose weight, and when they do eat it should be very small portions of low calorie food. I have recognized that voice in myself, directed inward... and outward. While I would never say anything about what someone else is eating (would I?), I catch those fleeting thoughts when I see a very overweight person eating an ice cream cone, or more frequently, an enormous mocha frappe with whip cream. Epecially if they are alone, or in their car.

"What do you eat when no-one is looking?"

I guess the next question is "Why?"

For me, secret eating was (and is) about soothing emotions that I don't want to feel. Boredom, sadness, loneliness, anger, frustration, insecurity, fear -- all perfectly normal feelings that most people have on a regular basis. When faced with the temptation to eat in secret, I try to ask myself what feelings I'm having that I am not comfortable with. It doesn't always work, of course, but it is a good habit to develop. Why does this need to be eaten out of view? Will I still want to eat this if I must eat it with someone, or would that 'ruin' it for me? Is it only desirable if I can eat it when the kids are asleep, or in the car, or in my office with the door closed, or after my partner goes to bed?

Something to think about. I would love to hear people's thoughts on this. Feel free to post a comment, send me an email, or just mention it next time you see me. I think, for women especially, getting this issue out of the closet will go a long way toward our individual and collective healing.

One year ago

I am afraid that I won't have time to blog tomorrow, so I want to be sure I mark the anniversary of Athena's birth. Athena Rebecca Wilmart was born one year ago tomorrow, February 1, 2005. I wrote about it in my LJ http://emw.livejournal.com/11983.html at the time. Worth noting is that a few days after I wrote her birth story, we were at Swedish Hospital for three days with Athena's RSV. I was not so scared at the time, but the more time passes and I realize how truly small and vulnerable she was then, it becomes more frightening to think about.

Athena has been walking for a week or so now. She will take 20 or so steps at a time, and loves to stand up and be the center of attention. She claps, shows you her tongue on command, and is generally a very cheerful little girl. She adores big brother Sammy, loves to wrestle with him and whack him on the head. He, in turn, is always looking out for her and being about as responsible as a three and a half year old big brother can be. We are truly blessed with two sweet kiddos.

Our Birthday plans include a special snack at Playschool tomorrow, turning the car seat to front-facing as soon as the weather eases a bit, and feeding Athena some special "one year old" foods. She was to get her first yogurt for dinner tomorrow, but a friend who babysat her today unknowingly jumped the gun. No matter. I bought some strawberries for her to try, and maybe we'll do scrambled eggs too. And more yogurt, of course.

I was sad for several days after Athena was born, and sometimes I still get sad. It seems like life is moving so fast... not enough time to sit and drink in the smells and sounds and sights of my children. We plan to begin night weaning Athena this week, which will take away those precious moments when she is half asleep and needing only the smell and taste of mama to lure her back to dreamland. The trade off is a little more sleep for me, and presumably better sleep for her in the long run. But it is a milestone, and since she is our last child, it makes me a little sad. Sam and I will get a chance to reconnect, as he gets to sleep with me in the spare bed while daddy night weans the girl. We had some fun tonight, Sam and I, playing Nature Bingo and Animal Dominos at his request. I asked him tonight when he thought he would stop nursing (he only nurses once a day, just before bed) I said maybe when he was four... and he looked at me in horror at the thought and said, "I don't know!" I told him that's OK and he should just let me know. Sometimes I worry that Athena will wean before he does.

My baby girl is growing up. I am so happy for her, and proud. And a little nostalgic too. I guess that never stops...

Book sale books

Despite the fact that I did not make the time to sort through my own books and donate those that are no longer needed, I eagerly snatched up nine new (to me) books at the QUUF booksale yesterday. I didn't even approach the children's books, but Steve made up for it with a substantial set of Hardy Boys books, and several other books for Sam & Athena.

I came home with:
1 biography
1 book of essays
2 novels
2 books on parent/child relationships/discipline
2 self-help books
1 book of short fiction by a woman I know from church (I had no idea she was an author)

Unfortunately, I have not even started reading the two novels I got for Christmas. I was distracted by A Million Little Pieces. Off to bed now to try and knock that one out...

Random thoughts on a blustery winter night

Steve turned 40 on Tuesday. We celebrated as best we could, given that our options for doing something really spectacular were rather limited. Breakfast was a decadent treat, Steve took the day off and went for a drive, then we called in the babysitting co-op to allow us a dinner date at Lanza's sans kiddos. Steve asked for, and will receive, framing of his Christmas gift (a painting by Gatheringplace artist Craig Rogers) as his Birthday gift. Sam made him a very special card, and I like to think my card touched him in some way too. But was it a "milestone" event? Hard to say. Did we make such a big deal out of my 40th that his was left a bit... plain? We were to have had a houseful of guests for the whole weekend, but circumstances delayed that gathering by a month or so. So is it better to have many small celebrations spread out over time, or one big bash?

I've started an early morning walking club for moms who want to knock out some exercise before their maternal and/or professional responsibilities kick in for the day. Although this was not my intent, it has completely replaced my running program. I meet whomever shows up at 6:30am in front of a coffee shop near my house, and we hoof three miles in 48 minutes. On Saturdays we sleep in; we meet at 7am. My schedule calls for Mon/Wed/Fri/Sat which gives me a good number of work outs but does not feel too onerous to maintain. If I were to miss a day, there are others who only go on Tues/Thurs so I could go then. The social aspect is very enriching. We pair off differently each time, so there is always an opportunity to chat with someone I may not get to chat with very often, especially without kids as a distraction. It has been really great so far, and I hope it continues.

I'm reading A Million Little Pieces, and despite the controversy, I am enjoying it. But I find myself thinking in addiction language about my current diet. Steve and I are off sweets at the moment, and are watching portions and limiting fat intake a bit. I have lost 6 pounds, he more than 7, in two weeks. I go to one or more grocery stores daily, either for food for the family or my now-daily afternoon nonfat latte (decaf -- why bother, eh?) So I see the mounds of Valentines candy, the pastries, the bulk-food candy, the supersized chocolate bars at the check out counter (10 for $10? Really?) I am often hungry when I go, and sometimes the urge to buy something and furtively devour it is overwhelming. I haven't - yet - and I am reminded how hard it was when I quit smoking. Yet that craving did eventually pass, and only rarely does it surprise me by resurfacing. Same thing with alcohol; I spent many years consuming much more than I should have. Now I rarely think about it; it is more of a "special occasion" type of thing, and I don't mean that "every day is special, it's five o'clock somewhere" type of thinking. Really, it just does not occur to me. There are people in this world who feel that way about sweets. I am not one of them and probably never will be. So for now I remain hyper-aware of my feelings when they come, and the addiction lens is a convenient one to view them through.

Pox-y Girl

Athena seemed to have it worse than Sam. It came on quicker, and she had a lot more spots. She even itched, which he did not. This outfit was the softest thing I could find to dress her in -- very loose and cool. It was all over and done with in about a week, and things are now back to normal. Except for typical winter snotty noses... 

It got worse before it got better...

Sammy was able to return to school on time last Tuesday, but it was a pretty "spotty" week.